To everyone who's tried to beat me down...

to everyone who's hurt me,
to everyone who's bailed on me,
and to everyone who's been a coward:

I hope you find peace within yourselves one day.

Because the same day you've found peace within yourselves, you'll realize what you've lost...but the catch is: it will be too late!

Good Night!!


The Three P's

It's easy in times of crisis and confusement to feel like you're out of your element and helpless. In fact, it's extremely frustrating. You don't have a lot of energy, you feel dazed at times, and sometimes you feel like your days just pass you by and nothing good has come out of it.

That's why I've decided to make sure that everyday I do three things that are good, and I will praise these three things. It could be anything from making sure I got up when I intended to, falling asleep a bit earlier than usual, to reading even one page out of a book. Anything basically that will remind me that I did do something positive, productive, and proactively. Yepp, these are my three P's that I really want to live by to the best of my ability. I think by keeping it to a mere three points makes it easier to accomplish and easier to abide by. Also, I think it's healthy for my mental well being, too :)

So here are my three P's for the day!

1. I got up earlier than I have in the past couple of weeks. (Trying to wean off of cortisone is just as difficult as getting use to it. Your body is using ALL of it's energy to turn on it's natural adrenaline glands again.)

2. I went swimming despite being tired. I even managed to do 20 laps ;)

3. I went in the relax section and just had some Hebbah-time. I just shut off my thoughts and enjoyed the jaccuzzi.

Although I must say, I think everyone should do this regardless of how your life looks like. It's a great way to stay positive and remind yourself that you're great!! ;)

Positive, productive, and proactive!

P.S. To the best of my knowledge, this is my own idea.


Our Lives Are Like a Scientific Report

Sometimes I wonder, looking back on it all. What did I miss? We go on all our lives planning for everything, planning for school, planning for what degree to take, planning the next coming months, planning children, relationships, careers, planning planning planning ALL THE TIME!! Thinking about it it's similar to writing a scientific report, except this time we're writing about our lives. We start with the "introduction" where we illustrate what we have accomplished so far in our lives, where we're coming from and how we got there. Then we write the "methods and design" section where we list up all the ways we're going to accomplish our future plans, what measures we're going to take to get there, what tools we're using in the process, who we want with us along the way and so on. Then of course the "results" section: what have we have accomplished, what goals we're aiming at and what barriers we've broken and are breaking. Finally the "discussion" where we sit and analyse our accomplishments, look at all our achievements, what we did wrong and what went well. To encourage development we add a section about "future research" where we discuss what we could do better next time and how we should approach things in the future. The reference section is a bitch to write because that's were we have to review who's been with us along the way, who made it to this list and who was cut off from this list. Some will still remain in the next report and others will disappear.

This is our lives for the most part, for some people. Some follow this system rigidly and others follow it more liberally. But for the most part, this could be a general description of how people live.

So what went wrong in my report? I knew where I came from, I knew what I wanted, I knew where I was headed, and I knew which mistakes I had to fix so far in my life. Suddenly, I felt like I had done a major mistake in my analysis. Something went wrong. Maybe it was the program I used, maybe I miscalculated. Either way, something went terribly wrong. I almost feel like going back and frantically looking through all my research because I'm almost certain I missed one detail that would have warned me, that would have given me the answers I needed to know what I know today. All I keep thinking is, what did I miss?

I know, of course I couldn't have predicted all of this. Even if I go through the research a billion and one times over, the answer still won't be there. We can't predict the future as much as we'd like to think that we can. Maybe I'm trying too hard to find an answer when there isn't an answer, it is what it is. Things happen for a reason and I confidently believe in that. I have figured out a lot of things during this time, but sometimes I just feel like I missed something along the way, like I missed a step or a sign or something. Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much because it is driving me crazy...but I can't help but wonder.


When Silence is the Loudest Sound

There's a moment when you go to bed when the silence can break you. Your heart pounding is the only thing you feel. This silence different, it's louder than your heart, louder than the clock ticking, louder than your breaththing, louder than your thoughts. It's just silent. These moments scare me because I'm rudely reminded of how lonely I am. I force myself to think to interrupt the silence. It's not a pleasant silence, it's not the silence that you need or want. It's a creepy silence, one that crawles all over your body and makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Suddenly I find myself trying to hide from the silence in the same way you hide when you see someone in the corridor you're trying hard to avoid. I try to listen to music, I try to think of other things, but the silence is in my face, starring at me almost shaming me becaue I fail to block it out. I end up succumbing to tears, tears that won't stop but exhaust me enough to fall asleep.

All I want is to run away to a place where the silence can't get to me.

Insomnia 2.0

Man oh man have I had the hardest time falling asleep lately. I was up until 5.30 last night. Just couldn't sleep. I guess I have a lot of thoughts circulating in addition to being too alert. I kind of feel weird these days, like I'm in shock somehow. I go around thinking about my situation more than usual, maybe I haven't been busy enough, or maybe it's hitting me again. I don't think these things just hit you once and that's it. I think that you have to come to terms with it over and over again until you are over it...if that's even possible. 

Sometimes it feels unreal, sometimes it feels too real, and sometimes it just feels. It's a complex feeling, too many feelings at once, or none at all. 

Maybe it's the thought that I have chemo for an undefinite time that has worried me a bit. I basically don't have an end date yet. What does that even mean? I don't have an end-date?! It makes it hard to plan for the future. But maybe that's a good thing, living in the now, coming to terms with my thoughts now rather than later. Maybe a learning process of thinking in terms of what is "happening" instead of what "will happen." I'm starting to get why I haven't fallen asleep lately. Waaaaay too many thoughts haha.

When Most People Ran Away...

..I had to stay. When most people chose to close their ears, I had to yell to make my voice heard. When most people sighed in relief, I gasped for air and tried not to suffocate. When most people finished crying, I was still wiping my tears. When most people fell asleep at night, I had to keep my eyes open to make sure I was still breathing. When most people turned the other way, I had to face everything alone.

I keep being told that I'm not alone. Sure, in many ways I'm not alone. But as anyone who's batteling a disease, they'll know what I'm talking about. I am alone in this. No one can win this for me. No one can do chemo for me. No one can take my cortisone meds for me. No one can fall asleep for me. No one can feel my pain for me. No one can or will cry for me. No one will know the feeling of living with this, but me.

Everyday I do everything I can to keep strong. I laugh, I smile, I talk on the phone with friends to ensure them of my wellbeing. When I lose chunks of my hair I laugh it off. When I'm sitting in the chemo room I smile to the nurses, I smile to the other patients. I smile that smile that says, I'm OK, I can do this, and so can you. We'll do this, no matter how hard it gets. A smile can say a lot you know, it can do a lot.

Maybe I make it look easy. Maybe I make the impossible possible. It's the attitude I have, and will always have. But I don't think anyone really knows the whole story, and I don't know if they ever will really. So often, I think people (I say people to not point out who I'm talking about, it could be friends or family), think I do this and it's easy. I think often, people think what I'm going through, is not "that" bad. Sure, in comparison to a million other cases, it's not that bad. But you know what, I am that one in a million. I am that statistic. LCH is a one in a million chance hit.

I do everything I can, everyday to have a "normal" life. You see, the battle I face is not just my disease, it's everything around it too. It's dealing with family, with friends. It's batteling the concept of being sick. It's coming to terms with so many fears. It's being alone day in and day out with no company but myself. It's having to deal with absolutely everything on my OWN. I do chemo on my own. I deal with the doctors on my own. I deal with insurances, problems, doctor appointments, tears, cheering myself up, making my food, fears, all on my own. 

Of course, there are times when I tell friends what's going on. But how much can they really help? This is not to say that those who have stayed haven't been amazing. But I can say right now that no, I haven't had my family's support. Not the kind of support I need. To this day, no one has comforted me when I cry myself to sleep at night. To this day, no one has ever held my hand when I've sat there doing chemo. To this day, no one, and I mean NO ONE knows the entire story. No one knows how bad it REALLY is. Blame it on me, whatever. I don't tell the whole story and that's because I recognize emotional cues. People don't seem to have the energy. They don't seem to want to see me in too much pain (whether it be emotionally or physically.) I can tell when someone has shut off when I'm talking about what I'm going through. I can tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable. I can tell when someone is listening but not hearing what I'm saying. I can sense people's fears towards me. I can tell by people's actions what they're trying to say. In very few cases have I been wrong. Usually I'm right about these things. I don't know why I can sense all of this. I guess it's a talent. Maybe it's to do with my personality. Either way, it's made it all the more difficult for me to let go and just talk to someone, with no inhibitions.

When I talk about how people have chosen not to support me or chosen to distance themselves from me, I always get the question, who are you talking about? I always chose not to point out names out of respect to them, and I still won't point out names. But to me, it's obvious who's walked out, and who stayed with me. Some walked out dramatically, some walked out silently. My support network just got smaller and smaller with every month that passed. 

But I have to ask, what is everyone so bothered about? I get how everyone is scared, I do get that. But to walk away? From WHAT? You're not the one going through this. You're not the one who has to suffer. You're not the one who has to go through the experience. You're not the one facing all these fears. I am. Everyday, I'm the one facing EVERYTHING!!!

What I'm trying to say is that, if anyone thinks it's been hard facing me, facing my reality, dealing with all the shit around what I've been going through...imagine...just imagine for one minute, sixty seconds...what I have been going through. Walk one minute, not an hour, not a day..ONE MINUTE in my shoes and come back and tell me it's too hard for YOU to deal with. Look me in the eyes and tell me YOU think it's too hard, or too much, or too negative or too what not. Whether you be family or friend, I can bet my life on the fact that you don't know.

To everyone who has stayed so far...thank you! You have meant the world to me and given me a reason to keep standing.

Good Night! xxx

Even during my weakest moments...

...I'm still stronger than you. 

-Me, 2012


It's interesting. Diseases are interesting. Whether it be LCH, cancer, autoimmune diseases, malaria, AIDS, or whatever else there is out there (and there is plenty to go around.) We think we're invincible. We think that if we take all the right measures, we'll be fine. We think if we have money, we'll buy our health. We think if we hang out with the right people, we'll be "safe." We think if we get the right education, we'll get away from it. We think that if we choose the right partner, we'll be genetically immune. We think that if we pray to the "right" God, that we'll be saved. We think that if we wear the right clothes, we'll be able to hide from it. 

The truth is, regardless of your nationality, your social network, your income, your career, the clothes you wear, the education you strived so hard to get, the partner you think is genetically "perfect," or the measures you take to avoid, we're ALL possible targets at the end of the day. Of course, some more than others, but that is a statistic worth discussing. We strive to define ourselves, we work hard to be someone, we think that all the food that the right food will protect us (it can to a certain extent), but at the end of the day, disease can hit anyone, at anytime, and it cannot always be predicted no matter how much we try.

Disease, at the end of the day, doesn't know color, doesn't fancy clothes, doesn't care about your personality, isn't attracted to your looks, doesn't care how intelligent you are, isn't impressed by the money you make, doesn't want a big beautiful house, doesn't focus on which God you pray to, and disease certainly doesn't care where you come from.

Disease comes to ALL. So what are we fighting for in this world? In our everyday lives, we focus on a million other things. We focus on perhaps all the wrong things (not everyone, but a portion of people at least.) We go on deluding ourselves that everything we can buy, everything we can achieve, everything we can show for will protect us from disease. But it can't. It won't. So again, what are we fighting for in this world? What have our lives become? Without health, what is this all worth?

Just some thoughts.

/H x

Exactly what I'm talking about. Delusion!

My List - once upon a time

So, I was browsing through my mail and found a list that I wrote to a friend of mine about all the things I wanted to do before I was 30. It made me laugh a bit but it also made me more determined to do it considering the situation I'm in.

1. Finish my PhD
2. Get my drivings liscence.
3. Take flying lessons.
4. Publish my articles.
5. Travel all over Europe.
6. Travel to one of the following: New Zeeland, Maldives, Mauritius, India, China, South Africa or the Carribian (and smoke weed there hahaha - kidding) hahaha.
7. Swim with dolphines.
8. Become a better person in every way possible.
10. Donate more money to children in need (suffering from war, disease and poverty)
11. Start saving money to open an orphanage in Egypt when I'm older.
12. Ride a horse with the sunrise in the desert.
14. Skydive from a plane.
17.Shower in a waterfall.
18. Sleep under the stars. (done that)
19. Reflect on my greatest weakness, and realize how they are my greatest strength.
20. Go to a football game.

I think I can definitly achieve most of these goals, in fact, I'm confident that I will. Perhaps the travelling part I'll have to wait with a little considering I'm not the richest person (financially) right now, but hey..never say never right? I know a couple are missing but I purposefully removed them because some things I genuinely want to keep private. 

I should add that I want to conquer my disease before the age of 30. Totally doable of course ;)

Right...NIGHT NIGHT!!!

1st Day of 2012

So, here we are, yet another year has passed and another 366? days to get by, hopefully ;) 

So, 2011 is over,'s passed away. Wow, it's a weird feeling really. I feel like I've just broken up with a guy haha. No, in all seriousness though, it doesn't feel so weird. I mean, at the end of the day, today is just another day in life. It just had a different label and today is well...extra special because it marks the beginning of a new year. What an existential paradox?! Another regular day but so unique because it's the beginning of something new.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a completely different theory on this whole new years thing. I don't really think that December 31st or January 1st should be the new year in 9 billion people's lives. Why? Because ever individual has their birthday, surely THAT is the NEW year for each person right? Why celebrate a new year that technically has no special significance to us (well except those born on these two dates ;) My point is, we have all fallen for the belief that New Years Eve is actually, the NEW YEAR for us all...nope...check again...the new year began on your birthday. 

Anyway, enough with that philosophy and on to a new one. Resolutions. I've come to decide that I don't really believe in resolutions. Why? Because 90% of people I know that have a New Years resolution don't actually keep it. So why try? Surely, the point of a resolution is to change something in your life somehow, whether it be big or small. Shoudn't this be a part of your life style? I'm not saying you have to change things immediately, or keep to them religiously...but if you really want to make a change...why ALWAYS wait for the new year to come to make these resolutions? Why not just try to do it, whenever you can. Why wait...365/6 days to come to this conclusion? New beginning? Magical? Celebratory? Yada yada yada. You shouldn't need these reasons to change things. It should come from within! 

Enough with my ranting, I want a cup of tea. Will be back..soon...xxxx

Dear 2011,

you were one of the longest years of my life, or so it felt anyway. I thought I knew what awaited me but apparently I was wrong. I was suppose to take my drivings license, publish papers, go to more conferences, exercize more, go to Nattis wedding, go to Kroatia, but I didn't. Instead you brought me heartache, broken friendships, exhaustion, countless tears, and finally, the one that caused this all, Langerhans cell histiocytosis. 

Looking back it's been without a shadow of a doubt one of the toughest years of my life. I thought I had it tough before, batteling batteling an eating disorder for years on end, batteling my parents who I didn't feel understood me or believed in me, batteling teachers who didn't believe in me (who infact urged me to quit several times over), and dealing with a lot if insecurities along the way.

I realized however that all the battles in the past made me battle you, too. Everyday, no matter how much I was told to give up by doctors, no matter how many nights I spend crying myself to sleep, no matter how much stuff I had to deal with people around me, with family, with work, with colleagues, with everything, I refused to give up. Why? Because that's just not who I am. You gave me the toughest battle I could imagine, batteling for my health. You made me realize that my health and my LIFE should not be taken for granted. Instead, I decided to turn this battle into a learning experience, just like I did with everything else in my life. I learnt more about myself than I ever thought I could at this point. I gained more strength than I ever thought I had. I learnt the value of my life, my health, and everything else that I take (and most people) take for granted. 

When we say don't take family, friends, and your health for granted, do we really believe it? Do we really change our ways? Do we really change our lives? Do we really do ANYTHING that lasts long enough to fulfill the meaning of not taking anyone or anything for granted? And how long do people's new years resolutions last? A day? A week? A month? Why is it so easy for people to forget this particular feeling? What do you REALLY have to go through to NOT take something or someone for granted? How many life lessons does it take? Because let's face it, how much and how many things and people don't we take for granted? Do we really have to go through a life crisis to really learn this lesson? Well, all I can say is that 2011, you taught me just that. Nothing and noone is for granted. I thought I was grateful before, but my worldview, my life, my everything has changed. I guess I just had to lose a couple of things and people on the way to realize that.

One thing that I have also learned however is to not let people take ME for granted. I'm not for granted and I think that I give off a good impression that I am. I'm there when people REALLY need me. I do things for people because I want to help. I've come to realize however that when the tables turn, the rules change. Maybe it's the situation I'm in, maybe I have taken for granted that friendships and family relationships are reciprocal. Maybe they're not, I don't know. I don't know if it matters anymore because I'm so use to just taking care of myself (and most people around me for that matter haha.)

So life lesson to anyone reading, stop! STOP taking everyone and everything for granted. They could disappear in a minute, and honestly so can you. Unfortunately 90% of people reading this will try to live by these words for a week, or maybe even two, then it will slowly fade out. 5% of you will follow this for a bit longer, and then it will fade out. The remaining 5% won't even take this into consideration or on the other side of the pole, already live by these words. 

So, 2011, I'm not sad to see you go because you did hurt me a lot, but I will still gracefully thank you for everything that you've taught me, all the strength that you gave me, all the things you taught me, and all the fights that I faught and won. Even though you were a bitch of a year, you are still the most important year of my life, and you always will be. Thank you and goodbye. I'm ready for 2012 and all he has to give me.

Wishing you all a loving, healthy, and caring 2012.

All my love, H xxx

RIP Hazel-Ann

Today I found out that a friend of mine from university died on the 26th of December. She was two years younger than me. Bubbly, sweet, strong, funny, and ambitious. I'm in shock and I don't really know what to say, except to anyone who is reading this, please don't take life for granted. Don't take your friends and family for granted. Nothing in life is for granted. NOTHING!

Rest in peace my friend. I hope you're in a better place. You won't be forgotten and you're smile will always be in our hearts <3 <3 <3

One Week Until My Memory

So I haven't updated in for a while. I've been knocked out. Completely. And on top of that I'm losing more and more sensation in my hands. It's such a weird feeling, it's surreal. So here I am, about a week from today I will turn 28.. I'm not going to pretend like I don't think about it. Not many people can say that they've gone through a life altering experience before their 28th birthday. But then I think about it, and I think that's a ridiculous thought. SO MANY PEOPLE have gone through life altering experiences before their 28th birthday. In fact, a LOT of people don't even get to turn 28. Maybe I'm just comparing myself to people in my proximity.

Most people I know, are either married, getting married, have children, getting children, buying apartments/houses, already have bought an apartment/house. Others are travelling the world. Some are falling inlove. Some have been divorced and have even had time to remary. A lot are developing within their careers. But then...

Then there are other people. There's so much we think we know about people's lives, but we have no idea. Some have lost loved one's way too early. Other's have had miscarraiges or simply cannot have children. Some might feel like their lives are crumbling around them for various reasons. Some people still don't know what they want to do with their lives (not that one has to.) Some people don't even get to live to their 28th birthdays. Some people have lived some really crappy lives and turning 28 doesn't make it any brighter. Many people around the world, know nothing else but suffering, misery, and unhappiness.

My point is that it's so easy to forget, even in my own context, that yes it's shit, yes it's not the ideal way to celebrate my 28th birthday, yes, I will always remember that I celebrated my 28th birthday batteling my disease, yes, it is upsetting...but you know what? It is what it is. I'm here now and there's not much else I can do about it. You know why? Because, on my 29th birthday, this will be a memory. On my 35th birthday, this will be a memory. On my 60th birthday...this will be a memory. 

My point is that it's so easy to sit and self-wollow when we're going through things. And sometimes, it's needed. But I think it's also important to remind oneself about all the good and fortunate things one has been given in life. I don't want to look back at this time and remember a dark and horrible time. I know I've gone through a lot..A LOT A LOT...probably more than most people I know...or less...what the fuck DO I KNOW???!!! But what I DO know is that I have the strength, the capacity, the energy, the passion, and the will in me to make sure this ISN'T my LIFE!!! This is just a PART of a my life, a PART of the journey, a PART of my experience, a PART of who I am and will become. I want to look back on this time and realize how much I gained from this experience, how much I grew and developed, how much I matured, how it changed a positive light. Going through this experience, regardless of what age I could have been or would have a life experience. PERIOD! 

This is my life now. 28 or not. I'm proud and happy. And frankly, I refuse to define my life according to where everyone else is in theirs...or at least I'm trying NOT to haha. 

Right, I can't breathe through my nose so perhaps I should do something about that before I suffocate myself.


Today's Final Words

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.

True words.

Good Night World.

Someone who makes an effort to stay/H

Human Behavior

I had my little P over last night. Very cosy indeed. We made some healthy snacks, a liter of tea and chit chatted the night away. Well needed.

We opened up the discussion about my situation. As time has gone, less and less people have kept in touch. Very few have actually made the effort to call me frequently and check up on me. In fact, we can soundly round that number up to 3 individuals, S, P, and A. Although, I've been texting frequently with 2 people, namely those abroad, G and N. 

I understand, people have their own lives. They have their own busy schedules and of course I'm not the center of attention of people's lives, nor do I necessarily want to be. But, I've from our discussion yesterday, I realized that it IS easier for people to care from a distance. Why? Because that way, you don't have to get too involved, but still involved enough to not feel guilty. Now I'm not asking for people to check up on me every minute of everyday, that would just be annoying. I'm not going to lie, there are a few mails that I still haven't had time or energy to catch up on. But it did lead me to a few questions and speculations.

1. I think that when people in ones surrounding are faced with real-life situations, especially one that concerns sickness, it might cause a sense of discomfort and unease in them. It reminds them too much of their own fears and mortality.

2. Some people honestly have no clue how to handle this. Many people internally panic. They don't always realize how it comes across to others.

3. I've realized that when it comes to crisis situations, I don't deal with it the way many I know do. I tend to go on autopilot and all my energy goes into fixing it and dealing with it. It's almost like a survival instinct I have in me. 

4. I've also realized that I actually have a hard time empathizing with people that don't know how to deal with real life situations. I guess I can't empathize because I genuinely do not understand. I can sympathize, but I just can't emphathize. We live in a world where shit happens all the time. We read the news, we know illness exists, we know the consequences of certain actions, we know there's suffering in the world, and whatnot. Do so many people live in blindness and bubbles that when faced with a real life situation, it affects them that much? Do the slightest bumps on the road feel like a car crash? Does caring about someone only concern certain life issues? Like when a boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with a friend of yours, is that where the limit goes for how much support you can give? Or do we chose to ignore certain REAL life and focus on the bubbles?

5. Or is this a matter of life experience? I've experienced a lot of shit in my life. I've gone through a lot too. But, as a wise N once said, that is, LIFE!!! But then it makes me wonder, if what I've gone through is LIFE, then what the hell has everyone else gone through? No ones life is perfect. No ones life goes smoothly 100% of the time. We've all had our colorful experiences to a greater or lesser extent. But then it makes me wonder, are my experiences THAT drastic that dealing with other life issues makes it easier to cope with, where I can even see the positive side of it when in it? I can't be that much different from others? Or am I? Or is it a combination of everything?

Now I'm not concluding that people are bad, or evil, or shitty friends. That's not my intention. I guess I'm just trying to understand why I'm having a hard time understanding all of this. Then it clicked to me, I cannot empathize because I do not understand. Logically, I do understand. I understand that some people feel like this. They can't cope, they can't deal with this, and justly so for a million reasons. Reasons that are none of my business. But to what extent is it, OK? How will people deal with life when life when the shit hits the fan. Because let's face it, the shit will hit the fan, for everyone, at some point or another. I'm not being sadistic, I'm being realistic. I don't know, maybe I'm seeing this way too much from my own perspective, but I'm trying to's just hard.

Why I thought of all of this? Because it astonishes me. Human behavior, the most fascinating behaviors in the world. We are, I think, completely irrational beings. Only some have the ability to be rational, and only in specific contexts. I think I'm going to dig myself into a bit of this research. Because I'm lost. I don't want to read a regular book about this. I want hard core scientific facts. What does the freakin' research say!!!


...have you met my friend, Hebbah? She's a bit down tonight because...

...sometimes her heart hurts a bit and it makes her eyes sad.
...sometimes those damn tears fall down her face and they won't stop. Stupid tears!!!
...sometimes she wakes up and forgets where she is, because she thinks her life is a dream.
...sometimes she just curls up in bed and wishes she could disappear for a while, just so she can get some peace.
...sometimes she pushes people away so they won't see her weaknesses.
...sometimes she knows the meds get to her so badly she locks herself in her room so that she won't take it out on anyone.
...sometimes she just wants a hug, that's all.

If you meet my friend, Hebbah. Please give her a hug. She needs it.

Oh Pain Where Art Thou?

When I woke up this morning, I WAS IN PAIN! Like we're not talking the pain I had in my no...this was ALL over my body. At first I thought that I has just slept weirdly...but then I got up and OH MY GOD...I could not believe it. Imagine someone has been beating the crap out of you ALL NIGHT LONG!!! I could barely shower, I could barely put my clothes on, it HURT...everywhere, everything HURT!!! When I asked my nurses about it they just calmly told me that the chemo is now starting to kick in. I knew it would take a while to kick in...but this just felt so SUDDEN. My body was SCREAMING of pain. Solution? More pain killers I guess. But I have to learn to distribute them evenly throughout the day for them to have a better effect...hmmm..pickle...I'm so crap at taking medication...for example..I forgot to take my second dosage of cortison last night..not good..but not too bad in the greater scope of life...and my Dr. was not too bothered by it ;)

So, I've been trying to keep myself busy during and doing what makes me happy. What makes me happy? A LOT!!! I'm like a child in a huge playroom. I cook, I experiment with cooking, I sew, I do some research, I write some stuff down, I read, I play with Hutch, I think, I cry a bit (to get some steam off), I make faces infront of the mirror, I start making stuff out of nothing. It lessens my stress, and it helps me focus on other things...and well..I love it.

We talk so much about detoxing our body's from all the shit that we stuff our faces with. But detoxing our mind and soul is usually left untouched. I've realized so many things over the past few weeks and I've been trying to document it, trying to make sense of everything. I've been reading a book that my professor gave me, "The 22 (Non-Negotiable) Laws of Wellness." Let's just say that the book is blowing my mind away. It's like the author is reincarnating me haha. I'll write more about it in another blog!!!

Anyway, I'm going to end my day with a light hearted book, more of "Shit my dad says."

Good Night!!!


Dear LCH,

I remember the day you came into my life. You marched in unannounced and made your presence known. You stood behind me as I starred into the mirror, your eyes burning into my neck. You stood behind me in the shadows of the dark, lurking, waiting for the right moment to reveal yourself with your eyes, the color of fire. You wanted to make sure I noticed you too.

You watched my every move and felt my every breath, you even chose which breath to take away. You whispered in my ear, the sentence I never wanted to hear. Your callous breath made me shiver, it made me cringe. I feared you. Every word you said, made me suffocate. You took pleasure in this. I could see the flames in your eyes ignite with every breath I tried to grasp. You took pleasure in this.

You scared people away. You made the doctors think I was crazy. You sat there in silence with a smirk on your face, watching me fight, watching me swim against the tide, watching me squirm. You watched me slowly lose my mind and you smiled. You were calm, almost unbothered. Your sadistic nature took pleasure in this. You watched as my tears drained my soul. You watched me fade away. You watched me get weaker, in silence. Drained by my tears, desperate for hope, and yearning for an end, I believed you.

In silence, you told me everything was going to be alright. You told me you would soon leave. You told me it was soon over. You even smiled at me, and told me that our paths would soon depart. I should have known. I should have known that your politness, your perverse silence was a part of your sadistic plan. One day, you stroked my face and told me not to cry, you wiped away my last tear and told me that my pain would fade away! I could almost taste your goodbye. Your charm mesmerized me. Your sudden change of heart, your sudden calmness, it was different, I believed you. You were different, I couldn't tell how, but you were different. You were getting stronger, and I let you.

Every minute with me, was a minute closer to my fall. You knew this. You laughed.
I saw the flames in your eyes. I excused it. It was never over. I was on my knees, screaming, begging for mercy, and you kicked me down like a fallen horse. Every night, you watched me suffer. You watched me get weaker, you watched me deterioate. I could feel your laughs piercing through my heart. Like lava pulping out from a volcano, I was on fire. Your curiosity drew you closer, you had to watch the torture, it was after all, your pleasure. As I tried to escape, you avidly ran and cornered me in a room where no one else could enter. They couldn't see me. This was your show and you were the sole audience in the front row. No one would save me. I was in a prison with no walls, a room with no floors, a space with no air. I begged for mercy, you smiled. My pain, my suffering, my torment was your energy. You thrived off my weakness. Your laugh was electric. Your presence was suffocating. I should have known. I should have known that you were not to be trusted.

I lay there, scorched by the inferno you lit inside me. You had chopped me up, beat me down, and burnt me alive. I was now nothing more than a piece of meat, a carcus ready for your hounds to feast on. My eyes were dry, I had no tears left inside me. My mouth was yearning, screaming for water. I couldn't speak, I couldn't make a sound. All my words were spent begging for mercy, I was empty. My aching body cried for me too. You were blurry now, or I was blinded, I couldn't tell. I lay there in pieces, the room was dark, cold, foreign. Squinting, I caught a glimpse of your eyes. The flames in your eyes, who could forget those flames? The rise and fall of those flames. Those flames. I was burnt by the electricity in your smile. It was taunting me.

You sat on your throne and watched me pull myself up. I was broken. I could barely fathom where I was, who I was, or what had happened. My memory focused only on those flames. I gazed around, desperately trying to recognize a sign of hope, a sign of life. I was in the trenches, I was alone, I wasn't Me. I looked over and saw a dead body. It was Me. It was Her. It was who I use to be. She was a memory. You killed Me. With pleasure, you killed Me.

There I stood, infront of you. I had nothing left to lose. You infuriated me. You lit a fire in me far greater than the lava you slowly poured on me. You provoced me. I stood infront of you, clenching my fists. I looked right into those burning flames and I wasn't scared anymore, you couldn't burn me. You feared this. I could see your flames tremble as you glarred into mine. I didn't say a word, my flames spoke for me, just like your flames spoke for you. We gazed at each other, flame to flame, in the dark, in silence. The fire in me scared you. It was almost romantic, it was powerful. Two fires ready to meet, only one would remain burning.

My dear LCH, I'm still burning.

All my love, H xxxx

Negative Energy

I've always been a bit susceptable to people's negative energy. I don't know why. Still, I've always gone my own way. I've been shocked quite a few times this year, not by my disease, but by people's inexcusable behaviors and actions. Sure people have issues, they have their own experiences, and they have problems that I'm sure I don't always know about. Of course, we're all human, and I get that. What I DON'T understand is projecting one's own insecurities and issues on others. It's not always obvious at first. It starts with comments, words, looks, or other discrete gestures. This is where the negative energy comes in. When people are insecure about themselves, or have their own issues, some tend to project this on others. On a scale from 1-5, how happy are you? (In research, that question wouldn't be too reliable haha <-- NERD ALERT!!!)

Somehow, I've been subject to this projection for quite a while. No no no, I'm not speaking as a victim, just as a person who's come to some realizations and conclusions about what's important and what's NOT important. Under normal circumstances, I'd always make excuses for them. But frankly, in my current situation, I REFUSE to be subject to their problems. We are after all grown ups. If you have a problem, DEAL WITH IT!!! OK...easier said than done. But then honestly, it's not really my problem, nor should I be subject to that problem. I will support people (unconditionally so) throughout their problems, trials and tribulations if they are willing to help themselves. But what kind of person am I if I'd allow someone to drag me down with them so that they feel better about themselves. Well, I simply wouldn't have the energy to focus on ME, especially NOW. Above that, what kind of friendship lasts on negative energy anyway? Just because I'm going through my own troubles in life doesn't mean I'm not happy for others, nor does it mean that I would ever wish this upon someone else. NOR does it mean that I'm NOT happy, quite the contrary, I'm very happy in my life right now. I would never, in all eternity, ever try to drag someone else down. So why do others? Because the blunt truth of it is, they don't want to deal with their problems.

So, enough. I'm OUT. I can only help others help themselves. I cannot and do not want to change anyone. I went through MY life changing ME, helping ME, building ME, developing ME, and I will continue to do so throughout. It's not easy. But it can be done if you really want to, you just have to be willing to. Today, people's negative energy towards me ENDS!


Accepting My Reality

So I haven't updated properly for a couple of days. Just been trying to spend as much time as I can with Nattis. It was amazing having her here, in fact it was the best. It was just what I needed. We spoke about everything from heaven to earth. She took care of me, she let me vent, she even watched me get super hyper from the medications and took it like a champ haha (I think it was harder for me to deal with than for her haha.) She even watched me butcher a spider...well...tried to anyway (it's DEAD, I don't care how :)

After she left I decided that I was going to try to exercize for the first time with my wheelchair. It was afterall a beautiful day and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. So I did. It was hard, much harder than I thought. Rule nr. 1: never try to roll your wheelchair with normal cotton gloves, you won't be rolling that's for sure. Your fingers will just be slipping. Anyway...I also realized that it was much harder rolling fast on an uneven ground. It took so much effort and I've obviously become weaker from the lack of activity over the past two months. Add that to not being use to the wheelchair, and well, it's hard. Now, I'm not going to give up just because it was hard. I will train myself to learn. Simple as that. It was the first time and I have to give myself a break. was the day I realized that I was sick. By the time I reached my destination my upper body was exhausted and my arms were shaking. I knew that I wouldn't have the energy to roll myself all the way. And it's not like I could just walk back, I didn't have my crutches with me. So I went to the nearest busstation and took the bus. To get home I'd have to walk up a flight of stairs. I couldn't do that with the wheelchair and my non-existing hip. So I had to call my mom to help me. But my dad comes running down after her and well....he was not very happy to say the least. He refused to let me walk up the stairs. He yelled at me for even going out alone like that, and he just didn't think I really understood how serious my condition is right now. He went and got the car, drove around and picked me up to our doorstep. It's not that he doesn't want me to exercize, quite the contrary, he does. But I guess all he meant was that I should be rational about it.

That's when it clicked to me. I'm sick. I do not have the same capacity or independence to do what I want. I depend on others to do things, to get me places, to take care of me, and to help me. For me, that's a very, very difficult thing to have to accept, or understand for that matter. Yes, this is a temporary situation I'm in. Nevertheless, it is the situation I'm in RIGHT NOW!! This is my reality right now. When my mom comes into my room every morning to serve me coffee, it's like a foreign concept to me. I've never had anyone serve me ANYTHING...and when they do..I feel weird. I value my independence, A LOT!!! Of course, if someone WANTS to serve me, that's fine. If they want to do things for me, that's fine too. But, when I'm in a situation where I HAVE to be helped or I HAVE to depend on others, that's when I start to freak out. It clicked to me that right now, I'm sick, and I need help to get better, whether it be from my parents, my brother, friends, or chemo, I need help. Now I'm not saying I'm going to feel like this forever. Slowly, I will develop my independence again. And yes, I am extremely gratful that I DO have people around me TO HELP! It would be worse if I needed all this help but had no one around. I'm lucky, and I appreciate that. I guess that today, I just faced a reality that does not coinside with who I am and what I'm use to, and that was hard. I had to come to terms that I have a weakness, not just a physical one. So, I cried. It helped.

I feel better after talking to a dear and wonderful friend of mine. I'm a very stubborn person and sometimes I will bark like a little dog refusing to listen to good advice believing that I can do everything, anything the way I want to becaue I can always, and will always take care of ME. But sometimes, when I think I'm taking care of ME, I'm actually working against ME. She's very good helping me help myself. With one REAL bark, I feel much better, and I know what to do. Sometimes I need a real proper bark to stop my annoying and stubborn barking. Only very few people I know can really BARK at me loud enough to help me stop. She's one of them!

So, now I'm going to relax, stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop with everything, and fall asleep. My brain needs it. I need it. The world needs it.


Life might not be 100% at all times, but I'll take what I can when I have it.
-Hebs, 24/08/11

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