Nine Hours...
...can you feel the change in your life? I feel like a kid anticipating the first day of school all over agian. But I don't think it's going to be dramatic at all though. It's probably going to be completely...normal. I think I'm going to come home and be my normal self. Sometimes I feel like I've made such a big deal out of this, and for what? But then I remember that NO...I'm not going to undermine my situation. I've had to face a reality that not many people face (and I hope no one should ever have to face.) After all, this is the result of months and months of one LONG roller coaster ride...for me...this is soon the end of one ride and the beginning of a new ride. But at least I know where this ride ends...in remission.
I don't really know what to say. How do I look back on this day in months to come? FYI future Hebs, I've painted my nails. I've done my hair. I've picked out my outfit. I've done it all. If I'm going to do chemo, I'm going to do it right. I'm going to go ALL IN. I'm going to look good doing it. I'm going to walk (roll) in there with my head up high (even though it will be quite low when sitting in the wheelchair haha.) I'm going to smile at the nurses. I'm going to joke around like I always do. I'm going DO THIS!!! I'm ready.
I don't really know what to say. How do I look back on this day in months to come? FYI future Hebs, I've painted my nails. I've done my hair. I've picked out my outfit. I've done it all. If I'm going to do chemo, I'm going to do it right. I'm going to go ALL IN. I'm going to look good doing it. I'm going to walk (roll) in there with my head up high (even though it will be quite low when sitting in the wheelchair haha.) I'm going to smile at the nurses. I'm going to joke around like I always do. I'm going DO THIS!!! I'm ready.
I don't know how my life turned out like this. But I do know how I want my life to turn out. And only I have the power to do it.
*GOOD NIGHT*
*GOOD NIGHT*
When Things Go Right, Others Go Left
I love how things just tend to mess up sometimes. It's like life is trying to mock me. It's OK life, you can try to mock me all you want. I'm not going to give up that easily, after all, you did raise me, you did teach me, and I did learn. So you can try to turn the tides in the opposite direction, you can try to strike me down with thunder, and you can try to drown me. I'm still standing. I will keep walking, no matter what direction the wind blows.
/H
/H
Twenty-One Hours
...and the countdown continues. Was at the dentists today to check out my teeth. My teeth are fine averall. I just a tooth that needs a root canal which was expected from a while back so that was no shock. The question is if I can do it with chemo. Need to talk to my doctor about that.
"Chemotherapy acts by killing cells that divide rapidly, one of the main properties of most cancer cells..." I wonder if chemo can act by killing some of my thoughts that seem to divide rapidly, one of the main properties of my neuroticism (haha...chemo joke...thought of it myself...just now...FAIL.)
No...let's be serious for a minute here. I can do this. I know I can. It's not that bad. I'm so going to do this. I'll never give up. I will pull through. I will be fine. I will go into remission. I'm going to roll in there with a smile on my face. I will take it like a trooper. I will embrace it. I am happy. I am strong. I will make jokes. I will make fun of my situation. I am laughing. I am after all, a soldier (no literally, my last name means soldier in Arabic ;)
Tootles
/H
Don't I look awsome. I'm fierce!
"Chemotherapy acts by killing cells that divide rapidly, one of the main properties of most cancer cells..." I wonder if chemo can act by killing some of my thoughts that seem to divide rapidly, one of the main properties of my neuroticism (haha...chemo joke...thought of it myself...just now...FAIL.)
No...let's be serious for a minute here. I can do this. I know I can. It's not that bad. I'm so going to do this. I'll never give up. I will pull through. I will be fine. I will go into remission. I'm going to roll in there with a smile on my face. I will take it like a trooper. I will embrace it. I am happy. I am strong. I will make jokes. I will make fun of my situation. I am laughing. I am after all, a soldier (no literally, my last name means soldier in Arabic ;)
Tootles
/H
Don't I look awsome. I'm fierce!
Fifty-Seven Hours...
It's funny how the day works. We're so consumed by everything that's going on that we forget that the day is composed of hours, that is filled with minutes, and those minutes are passed by seconds. It's funny how one second, one minute, one hour, or simply one day can change your life. August 6th, 1945, the lives of hundereds of thousands would change in one day. Nagasaki fell victim to the first nuclear bomb, "Little Boy." Three days later, "Fat Man" changed people's lives again, this time in Hiroshima. Generations to come would still see and feel the detrimental effects caused by these bombings. It took minutes.
Everday, a person's life changes. It could be for the better, it could be for the worse. All this happens in a matter of seconds, minutes, or hours. We often take for granted that our days are filled with time when nothing of great significance happens. In fact, sometimes we wish time would go faster in anticipation that something WOULD happen. Why don't we just enjoy the fact that we HAVE time? Time that spares us from that moment, when something DOES happen. Because let's face it, at some point or another, one second, one minute, or one hour will change our lives in some way. We always hope it's for the best. But if only we were all so lucky.
My life changed in a minute. It changed again in another minute a few months later. Metaphorically, I was struck by lightning twice. That doesn't happen very often. But I'm not going to say it changed for the worse. On the contrary. Looking back on it now, even though I still haven't started treatment, even though I still don't know how much these two minutes will change my life in the long run. I do know what these two minutes taught me a lot about myself so far. And to be honest, I look forward to seeing what effect these two minutes will have on my life in the next couple of months.
So in fifty-seven hours, in 3,420 minutes, or in two and a half days to make things simple, my life will change for a third time around. But it's OK, I'll take that change. It's for the better. In this context, it's definitly for the better. I look forward to seeing how my minutes, my hours, and my days will develop. How I will develop. How my life will develop. In time, I'll see.
*Good Night*
Everday, a person's life changes. It could be for the better, it could be for the worse. All this happens in a matter of seconds, minutes, or hours. We often take for granted that our days are filled with time when nothing of great significance happens. In fact, sometimes we wish time would go faster in anticipation that something WOULD happen. Why don't we just enjoy the fact that we HAVE time? Time that spares us from that moment, when something DOES happen. Because let's face it, at some point or another, one second, one minute, or one hour will change our lives in some way. We always hope it's for the best. But if only we were all so lucky.
My life changed in a minute. It changed again in another minute a few months later. Metaphorically, I was struck by lightning twice. That doesn't happen very often. But I'm not going to say it changed for the worse. On the contrary. Looking back on it now, even though I still haven't started treatment, even though I still don't know how much these two minutes will change my life in the long run. I do know what these two minutes taught me a lot about myself so far. And to be honest, I look forward to seeing what effect these two minutes will have on my life in the next couple of months.
So in fifty-seven hours, in 3,420 minutes, or in two and a half days to make things simple, my life will change for a third time around. But it's OK, I'll take that change. It's for the better. In this context, it's definitly for the better. I look forward to seeing how my minutes, my hours, and my days will develop. How I will develop. How my life will develop. In time, I'll see.
*Good Night*
Eighty Four Hours...
...and counting until C-Day. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Everytime I fall asleep it's one day closer to THE day. It sounds so dramatic. I think it's just hitting me. I'm not distraught. I'm not crying my eyes out...YET! But I am counting. I tried hard not to burst out in tears all day. I woke up reminded that today is the end of this week. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be sad. So I do everything I can to keep myself from being sad...or from crying for that matter. I read a bit of a book. I played with Hutch. I watched a few episodes of a series. I feel like I'm going around waiting for WWIII to begin. There's a knot in my stomach.
I keep trying to focus on the positive things happening. I look out my window and admire how Fall colored our garden. Fall is always the most handsome of the seasons. A splash of brown, a dash of red, and hints of yellow. The wind slowly breezing through putting the leaves in motion, swinging, almost singing the sweetest lullaby.
Where are you going, Fall? Take me with you, please!!! I'll go wherever you want to go, don't leave me here.
But he will. He will leave me here. I will stay put, watching Fall fade away. He never stays forever. Winter will come early this year. I can feel her presence in the air. She's become impatient. She's jealous of Fall. I can feel chills running through my skin, deep in my skin. She wants my attention. But you're always my favorite, Fall. You're always the beginning of new fun things. Why not this time? Why did you give me something different to look forward to? Come back, let's be friends again.
Today wasn't the best day. But today is still a good day. It could have been much worse! I did good. I pulled through. I'm still smiling. I'm still standing (literally.)
I'm OUT!!
/H
I keep trying to focus on the positive things happening. I look out my window and admire how Fall colored our garden. Fall is always the most handsome of the seasons. A splash of brown, a dash of red, and hints of yellow. The wind slowly breezing through putting the leaves in motion, swinging, almost singing the sweetest lullaby.
Where are you going, Fall? Take me with you, please!!! I'll go wherever you want to go, don't leave me here.
But he will. He will leave me here. I will stay put, watching Fall fade away. He never stays forever. Winter will come early this year. I can feel her presence in the air. She's become impatient. She's jealous of Fall. I can feel chills running through my skin, deep in my skin. She wants my attention. But you're always my favorite, Fall. You're always the beginning of new fun things. Why not this time? Why did you give me something different to look forward to? Come back, let's be friends again.
Today wasn't the best day. But today is still a good day. It could have been much worse! I did good. I pulled through. I'm still smiling. I'm still standing (literally.)
I'm OUT!!
/H
Where There's a Problem, There's a Solution
So...I'm in a wheelchair, right? Which means I can't really exercise, right? Which means I'm going to get weaker, right? Which means I should sit and feel sorry for myself, right?
WRONG!!!
Did you know that you burn a lot of calories after 30 minutes of wheelchair-ing? I mean they have the paraolympics...so OBVIOUSLY people don't let the wheelchair in their way...quite the contrary..they use it to their advantage. As will I!!!
So, when I have the energy (and get over this cold), I will get my gear on and wheel off in my wheelchair. It also builds up upper body strength. I looked at some research and the most used muscles are the biceps, triceps, and shoulders. There was one muscle that wasn't really activiated (despite previous belief that it was), but who cares. And if you tighten your stomach muscles when pushing, you will strengthen them, too.
I still have a healthy upper body, right? (Fine, except my fractured ribs, but they're not too bad). I'm not permenantly broken am I, right? So, I'm not going to let a wheelchair stop me from being healthy, especially not NOW!!!
To be honest, I was inspired by a person I met recently. He's a lovely guy and he was diagnosed with a very, very rare autoimmune disease that impaired his hearing. The disease also temporarily impaired his balance and he was told that he wouldn't regain it again. He proved the doctors wrong and even teased them about it by dancing on the sidewalk I think it was. How cool is he? Now he's an ambitious student with a lot of intellect and wisdom. Thank you for inspiring me.
Tootles,
/H
P.S. Chemo starts on Thursday. They had no available times on Wednesday. Better for me, I can't start chemo with a cold.
Fantastic.
Inspirational.
I want to play, too.
So cool. Except, in some twisted way, this picture made me laugh out loud (and cough my lungs up). It just looks so funny, so unreal. Reminds me of Star Wars somehow haha.
WRONG!!!
Did you know that you burn a lot of calories after 30 minutes of wheelchair-ing? I mean they have the paraolympics...so OBVIOUSLY people don't let the wheelchair in their way...quite the contrary..they use it to their advantage. As will I!!!
So, when I have the energy (and get over this cold), I will get my gear on and wheel off in my wheelchair. It also builds up upper body strength. I looked at some research and the most used muscles are the biceps, triceps, and shoulders. There was one muscle that wasn't really activiated (despite previous belief that it was), but who cares. And if you tighten your stomach muscles when pushing, you will strengthen them, too.
I still have a healthy upper body, right? (Fine, except my fractured ribs, but they're not too bad). I'm not permenantly broken am I, right? So, I'm not going to let a wheelchair stop me from being healthy, especially not NOW!!!
To be honest, I was inspired by a person I met recently. He's a lovely guy and he was diagnosed with a very, very rare autoimmune disease that impaired his hearing. The disease also temporarily impaired his balance and he was told that he wouldn't regain it again. He proved the doctors wrong and even teased them about it by dancing on the sidewalk I think it was. How cool is he? Now he's an ambitious student with a lot of intellect and wisdom. Thank you for inspiring me.
Tootles,
/H
P.S. Chemo starts on Thursday. They had no available times on Wednesday. Better for me, I can't start chemo with a cold.
Fantastic.
Inspirational.
I want to play, too.
So cool. Except, in some twisted way, this picture made me laugh out loud (and cough my lungs up). It just looks so funny, so unreal. Reminds me of Star Wars somehow haha.
My Spirit Is Sleeping Somewhere Cold
My mom came into my room before she went to work with a huge thermos of coffee and a small packet of milk. How adorable is that? She doesn't want me walking up and down the stairs between the kitchen and my room so she brought the coffee to me. I'm not use to being spoilt, nor am I use to being taken care of (you know, the whole someone does everything for you when you're sick - usually I just get on with it).
Yesterday, in the waiting room, my mom and I could hear a child screaming for her life in one of the rooms. I kid you not, this kid was crying to the top of her lungs, begging them to let go of her. They were screams of torture. She was terrified. My heart stopped. I closed my eyes in hope that the screams would take away the chills I got running through my spine. It hurts me to hear a child scream in pain. It made me feel ashamed of myself. What the fuck am I complaining about, or worried about? I can handle this. Can a child? They're the true heros. They're the one's that deserve the praise and the admiration.
I dreamt about her screams. I was in a maze and I could hear the same scream. It was pitch dark and only small candles were lit to help me see if I was at a dead end or not. I was running fast, trying to find my way through to find the kid, to help her, and take her pain away. I kept getting lost. Her screams got louder and my heart pounded harder and harder. It was freezing and I could see the fog of my breath. At the same time, I was sweating and shaking. I had to find her. But I couldn't. I felt distraught and helpless, teased by the sound of her pain. We were both being tortured. If I can't help her, who will? I woke up, and I'll never find out.
Was the kid in the dream, me? I don't know. I don't know much these days. But I do know that children who are in pain, make my heart cry.
Yesterday, in the waiting room, my mom and I could hear a child screaming for her life in one of the rooms. I kid you not, this kid was crying to the top of her lungs, begging them to let go of her. They were screams of torture. She was terrified. My heart stopped. I closed my eyes in hope that the screams would take away the chills I got running through my spine. It hurts me to hear a child scream in pain. It made me feel ashamed of myself. What the fuck am I complaining about, or worried about? I can handle this. Can a child? They're the true heros. They're the one's that deserve the praise and the admiration.
I dreamt about her screams. I was in a maze and I could hear the same scream. It was pitch dark and only small candles were lit to help me see if I was at a dead end or not. I was running fast, trying to find my way through to find the kid, to help her, and take her pain away. I kept getting lost. Her screams got louder and my heart pounded harder and harder. It was freezing and I could see the fog of my breath. At the same time, I was sweating and shaking. I had to find her. But I couldn't. I felt distraught and helpless, teased by the sound of her pain. We were both being tortured. If I can't help her, who will? I woke up, and I'll never find out.
Was the kid in the dream, me? I don't know. I don't know much these days. But I do know that children who are in pain, make my heart cry.
Time for some more coffee.
/H
I'm in Stockholm Baby
Got back a few hours ago. Had a wicked roadtrip with my colleague's/friend's husband. He told the funniest stories and sang along some songs.
As soon as I got home I started with my obsessive cleaning of my room. Just like I did when I got back from Egypt. Like a tornado, I manically went through everything. Threw out two big black bags of clothes and shit that's just been laying around for ages. Feels great. Feels like I detoxed. Feels like home.
So nice to just sit in the kitchen and play with my dog. He's so adorable. I can tell that he senses something's wrong with me. He's extra sweet to me. He's careful.
**Side track: Heard a noise in the garden and looked outside. We have a new inhabitant. A fox. Not very good considering Hutch (our dog) runs around there.
Now I'm sitting in my room, with candles lit all over my room.
Thinking.
How long will it take until I can walk again?
Do I have other lesions?
What am I going to ask the doctor?
Why does my nailpolish always fade so fast?
I need to buy a new lamp to put by my bed.
I need to download some more music.
Am I going to lose all my hair?
What should I wear tomorrow?
I need to call Försäkringskassan.
What if my hip snaps?
Where am I?
I'm so going to PIMP my wheelchair.
I have to learn to be independent with the wheelchair.
I'm hungry but I'm not in the mood to eat.
I miss my friends in Örebro.
I can't wait to see everyone in Stockholm.
FUCK YOU LCH...YOU SUCK!!!!
Good night!!
Words
I'm drained.
I can't sleep.
I call.
No answer.
I breathe.
No air.
I cry.
No hugs.
I smile.
It feels good.
I eat.
I'm stuffed.
I'm in pain.
I get high.
I said help.
You didn't listen.
I wake up.
It's a new day.
Good Night!!!
Couldn't sleep
I couldn't sleep last night. I was tired but just couldn't fall asleep. So many thoughts just running through my head. I ended up watching Jerry Springer which by the way can't possible be based on real stories?
I wonder what my children will be like? I wonder if I will have children?!
I want a hug.
No, but seriously though my thoughts just won't stop. I try to keep myself busy but I'm just too tired when it's 3, 4, 5am.
I have a couple of baby pictures hanging on my wall. I look at them, I look at her. The cutest little baby with a smile that could make the sun melt. Yeah, I was a very cute baby haha. Apparentlty I was the easiest baby in the world.
Never cried or made a fuss. I was a piece of cake. Slept, ate, pooped, and laughed.
Never cried or made a fuss. I was a piece of cake. Slept, ate, pooped, and laughed.
I wonder what my children will be like? I wonder if I will have children?!
I want a hug.
/H
Did You Know...
....that if you straighten your back when you're crying it actually becomes impossible to physically cry? That's why I stare up to the ceiling sometimes when I'm about to cry, it helps the tears fall back to my heart.
My heaven, my sanctuary, my freedom. The sea.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Ever since I came back from Egypt, I've literally been cleaning my apartment inside out. I don't know what's come over me. Every few days...sometimes every few hours I'll just start getting rid of things, whether it be clothes, makeup, papers...anything I've just been accumulating I've gotten rid of. It feels good. It feels necessary. I mean I do this once in a while, but this time I went the extra mile. It feels like I need to get rid of a bunch of bad energy somehow. Clutter. Shit. I just want it out of my way. Out of sight out of mind.
I'm still up (obviously). I'm tired, exhausted, but I just can't bring myself to drag my body to bed. Somehow I think I'm avoiding it. The night saves me in a way, yet it's usually the worse time of day for me. I'm saved from the phone calls, the conversations, and the Dr appointments. It's the worse because as darkness comes, that's when my thoughts start to scream. They yell!! I feel my heart bounce. I calm myself down by keeping busy, listening to music to dampen the screams, to push the noise away, to prevent my eyes from tearing up.
So tonight, it's cleaning...again. I get obsessive. Everything has to shine. Everything has to be in a certain place. Everything has to look a certain way. I can rearrange something several times until I get it right. Perfection. Obsession. It never ends. Like my thoughts. They never end.
I'm still up (obviously). I'm tired, exhausted, but I just can't bring myself to drag my body to bed. Somehow I think I'm avoiding it. The night saves me in a way, yet it's usually the worse time of day for me. I'm saved from the phone calls, the conversations, and the Dr appointments. It's the worse because as darkness comes, that's when my thoughts start to scream. They yell!! I feel my heart bounce. I calm myself down by keeping busy, listening to music to dampen the screams, to push the noise away, to prevent my eyes from tearing up.
So tonight, it's cleaning...again. I get obsessive. Everything has to shine. Everything has to be in a certain place. Everything has to look a certain way. I can rearrange something several times until I get it right. Perfection. Obsession. It never ends. Like my thoughts. They never end.
The time has come. It's time to sleep. To gain the energy to face another day. My day. My reality. My life.
Then I'm quite the character.
Anyway..enough with this emotional bullshit. Tomorrow I will be fit for fight!!!
Night/H
Take a Step Back and Breathe.
I don't even know where to start. I don't know if I have the energy to write this all down. So many problems. The doctors, making misstakes...STILL! My dad looked through my scans and noticed that I had a slightly enlarged liver and suspicions of other lesions in other parts of my body. The idea of shock is no longer in my conceptual framework anymore. I mean what do you say at this point? OH MY GOD? What the FUCK? No, you just take it in, take a step back, and breathe.
So many things need to be done before I start chemo. A part of me has all the energy in the world. The other part of me just wants to go to bed and hide. Do you know that I wake up every morning expecting everything to be a dream?! Then I take a step towards the bathroom and I'm reminded by the pain in my hip. I feel my skull and the bump is still there.
Every night I go to bed, and I dream about my disease. I dream about chemo, about radiation, about the emotional rollercoaster ride that doesn't seem to have an end. I dream about death, a lot. I know I know...this all sounds so dark and morbid. But it's not. I can imagine this is normal. Guess it's just the fear of what's to come.
I may be strong in every sense of the word. But I'm scared, in every sense of the word.
Right...back to work.
/H
Lethargic
I cannot believe how tired I am. Even when I've slept all night. OK...fine, so I fall asleep late. But that's never been a problem for me. I just can't keep my eyes open. My whole body is just...dead. I was at work late today and I thought I'd take a nap. I ended up sleeping for an hour and a half. I don't like me very much right now. I don't like not having the energy. I just want to carry on as normal. It's bumming me out.
One of my best friends, who's wedding I missed just sent me a link to see her wedding photo's. I couldn't go through them all. Not right now. It just hurts too much. It reminds me of what I missed, her wedding day. It reminds me of why I couldn't go. It reminds me of what I will be missing in the next couple of months. I looked through a few, and she looked, stunning...the whole wedding just looked so perfect. Amazing. I'm so happy for her, I couldn't be happier. But at the same time, here I am, with tears running down my face.
Anyway...I'm going to go to sleep and wake up refreshed I've decided. I can barely keep my eyes open and I'm in dire need of my best friend...codene (he will take away ALL your pain...well...if you take a few, one isn't enough, and 2 gets me high...yepp..that's my aim every night...get high and pass f*** out!!)
Lights out.
/H
Saying it out loud
So today I told my colleagues about my diagnosis and what's to come. I kind of went through it with my professor beforehand. I felt so calm and confident. But as soon as I walked through that door and sat down, I got a knot in my stomach. Watching everyone stare at me made me realize what I was about to say. My voice was shaking, everyone was focusing.
But they were amazing. Everyone was very supportive and it felt so much better afterwards. I cried for a minute or two, but that was more a reaction to what a dear colleague (and friend) of mine said. She was just being so supportive and in that moment it just hit me I guess, somehow that this is all so real. There will be times when I physically cannot do things on my own. For someone that highly values my independence and has a need for control...well...it's hard.
I've been fine so far. And I'm fine as I write this. But in certain instances, in that particular moment, it just hits me like a star falling from the sky. I'm going to have chemotherapy. I'M GOING TO HAVE CHEMOTHERAPY!!!!
Shit.
Ah well, I'm sure the moment will pass. It always does.
/H
But they were amazing. Everyone was very supportive and it felt so much better afterwards. I cried for a minute or two, but that was more a reaction to what a dear colleague (and friend) of mine said. She was just being so supportive and in that moment it just hit me I guess, somehow that this is all so real. There will be times when I physically cannot do things on my own. For someone that highly values my independence and has a need for control...well...it's hard.
I've been fine so far. And I'm fine as I write this. But in certain instances, in that particular moment, it just hits me like a star falling from the sky. I'm going to have chemotherapy. I'M GOING TO HAVE CHEMOTHERAPY!!!!
Shit.
Ah well, I'm sure the moment will pass. It always does.
/H
