Human Behavior

I had my little P over last night. Very cosy indeed. We made some healthy snacks, a liter of tea and chit chatted the night away. Well needed.

We opened up the discussion about my situation. As time has gone, less and less people have kept in touch. Very few have actually made the effort to call me frequently and check up on me. In fact, we can soundly round that number up to 3 individuals, S, P, and A. Although, I've been texting frequently with 2 people, namely those abroad, G and N. 

I understand, people have their own lives. They have their own busy schedules and of course I'm not the center of attention of people's lives, nor do I necessarily want to be. But, I've from our discussion yesterday, I realized that it IS easier for people to care from a distance. Why? Because that way, you don't have to get too involved, but still involved enough to not feel guilty. Now I'm not asking for people to check up on me every minute of everyday, that would just be annoying. I'm not going to lie, there are a few mails that I still haven't had time or energy to catch up on. But it did lead me to a few questions and speculations.

1. I think that when people in ones surrounding are faced with real-life situations, especially one that concerns sickness, it might cause a sense of discomfort and unease in them. It reminds them too much of their own fears and mortality.

2. Some people honestly have no clue how to handle this. Many people internally panic. They don't always realize how it comes across to others.

3. I've realized that when it comes to crisis situations, I don't deal with it the way many I know do. I tend to go on autopilot and all my energy goes into fixing it and dealing with it. It's almost like a survival instinct I have in me. 

4. I've also realized that I actually have a hard time empathizing with people that don't know how to deal with real life situations. I guess I can't empathize because I genuinely do not understand. I can sympathize, but I just can't emphathize. We live in a world where shit happens all the time. We read the news, we know illness exists, we know the consequences of certain actions, we know there's suffering in the world, and whatnot. Do so many people live in blindness and bubbles that when faced with a real life situation, it affects them that much? Do the slightest bumps on the road feel like a car crash? Does caring about someone only concern certain life issues? Like when a boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with a friend of yours, is that where the limit goes for how much support you can give? Or do we chose to ignore certain REAL life and focus on the bubbles?

5. Or is this a matter of life experience? I've experienced a lot of shit in my life. I've gone through a lot too. But, as a wise N once said, that is, LIFE!!! But then it makes me wonder, if what I've gone through is LIFE, then what the hell has everyone else gone through? No ones life is perfect. No ones life goes smoothly 100% of the time. We've all had our colorful experiences to a greater or lesser extent. But then it makes me wonder, are my experiences THAT drastic that dealing with other life issues makes it easier to cope with, where I can even see the positive side of it when in it? I can't be that much different from others? Or am I? Or is it a combination of everything?

Now I'm not concluding that people are bad, or evil, or shitty friends. That's not my intention. I guess I'm just trying to understand why I'm having a hard time understanding all of this. Then it clicked to me, I cannot empathize because I do not understand. Logically, I do understand. I understand that some people feel like this. They can't cope, they can't deal with this, and justly so for a million reasons. Reasons that are none of my business. But to what extent is it, OK? How will people deal with life when life when the shit hits the fan. Because let's face it, the shit will hit the fan, for everyone, at some point or another. I'm not being sadistic, I'm being realistic. I don't know, maybe I'm seeing this way too much from my own perspective, but I'm trying to's just hard.

Why I thought of all of this? Because it astonishes me. Human behavior, the most fascinating behaviors in the world. We are, I think, completely irrational beings. Only some have the ability to be rational, and only in specific contexts. I think I'm going to dig myself into a bit of this research. Because I'm lost. I don't want to read a regular book about this. I want hard core scientific facts. What does the freakin' research say!!!


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