myhistiostory

Sometimes I wonder, looking back on it all. What did I miss? We go on all our lives planning for everything, planning for school, planning for what degree to take, planning the next coming months, planning children, relationships, careers, planning planning planning ALL THE TIME!! Thinking about it it's similar to writing a scientific report, except this time we're writing about our lives. We start with the "introduction" where we illustrate what we have accomplished so far in our lives, where we're coming from and how we got there. Then we write the "methods and design" section where we list up all the ways we're going to accomplish our future plans, what measures we're going to take to get there, what tools we're using in the process, who we want with us along the way and so on. Then of course the "results" section: what have we have accomplished, what goals we're aiming at and what barriers we've broken and are breaking. Finally the "discussion" where we sit and analyse our accomplishments, look at all our achievements, what we did wrong and what went well. To encourage development we add a section about "future research" where we discuss what we could do better next time and how we should approach things in the future. The reference section is a bitch to write because that's were we have to review who's been with us along the way, who made it to this list and who was cut off from this list. Some will still remain in the next report and others will disappear.

This is our lives for the most part, for some people. Some follow this system rigidly and others follow it more liberally. But for the most part, this could be a general description of how people live.

So what went wrong in my report? I knew where I came from, I knew what I wanted, I knew where I was headed, and I knew which mistakes I had to fix so far in my life. Suddenly, I felt like I had done a major mistake in my analysis. Something went wrong. Maybe it was the program I used, maybe I miscalculated. Either way, something went terribly wrong. I almost feel like going back and frantically looking through all my research because I'm almost certain I missed one detail that would have warned me, that would have given me the answers I needed to know what I know today. All I keep thinking is, what did I miss?

I know, of course I couldn't have predicted all of this. Even if I go through the research a billion and one times over, the answer still won't be there. We can't predict the future as much as we'd like to think that we can. Maybe I'm trying too hard to find an answer when there isn't an answer, it is what it is. Things happen for a reason and I confidently believe in that. I have figured out a lot of things during this time, but sometimes I just feel like I missed something along the way, like I missed a step or a sign or something. Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much because it is driving me crazy...but I can't help but wonder.

/H