Accepting My Reality

So I haven't updated properly for a couple of days. Just been trying to spend as much time as I can with Nattis. It was amazing having her here, in fact it was the best. It was just what I needed. We spoke about everything from heaven to earth. She took care of me, she let me vent, she even watched me get super hyper from the medications and took it like a champ haha (I think it was harder for me to deal with than for her haha.) She even watched me butcher a spider...well...tried to anyway (it's DEAD, I don't care how :)

After she left I decided that I was going to try to exercize for the first time with my wheelchair. It was afterall a beautiful day and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. So I did. It was hard, much harder than I thought. Rule nr. 1: never try to roll your wheelchair with normal cotton gloves, you won't be rolling that's for sure. Your fingers will just be slipping. Anyway...I also realized that it was much harder rolling fast on an uneven ground. It took so much effort and I've obviously become weaker from the lack of activity over the past two months. Add that to not being use to the wheelchair, and well, it's hard. Now, I'm not going to give up just because it was hard. I will train myself to learn. Simple as that. It was the first time and I have to give myself a break. was the day I realized that I was sick. By the time I reached my destination my upper body was exhausted and my arms were shaking. I knew that I wouldn't have the energy to roll myself all the way. And it's not like I could just walk back, I didn't have my crutches with me. So I went to the nearest busstation and took the bus. To get home I'd have to walk up a flight of stairs. I couldn't do that with the wheelchair and my non-existing hip. So I had to call my mom to help me. But my dad comes running down after her and well....he was not very happy to say the least. He refused to let me walk up the stairs. He yelled at me for even going out alone like that, and he just didn't think I really understood how serious my condition is right now. He went and got the car, drove around and picked me up to our doorstep. It's not that he doesn't want me to exercize, quite the contrary, he does. But I guess all he meant was that I should be rational about it.

That's when it clicked to me. I'm sick. I do not have the same capacity or independence to do what I want. I depend on others to do things, to get me places, to take care of me, and to help me. For me, that's a very, very difficult thing to have to accept, or understand for that matter. Yes, this is a temporary situation I'm in. Nevertheless, it is the situation I'm in RIGHT NOW!! This is my reality right now. When my mom comes into my room every morning to serve me coffee, it's like a foreign concept to me. I've never had anyone serve me ANYTHING...and when they do..I feel weird. I value my independence, A LOT!!! Of course, if someone WANTS to serve me, that's fine. If they want to do things for me, that's fine too. But, when I'm in a situation where I HAVE to be helped or I HAVE to depend on others, that's when I start to freak out. It clicked to me that right now, I'm sick, and I need help to get better, whether it be from my parents, my brother, friends, or chemo, I need help. Now I'm not saying I'm going to feel like this forever. Slowly, I will develop my independence again. And yes, I am extremely gratful that I DO have people around me TO HELP! It would be worse if I needed all this help but had no one around. I'm lucky, and I appreciate that. I guess that today, I just faced a reality that does not coinside with who I am and what I'm use to, and that was hard. I had to come to terms that I have a weakness, not just a physical one. So, I cried. It helped.

I feel better after talking to a dear and wonderful friend of mine. I'm a very stubborn person and sometimes I will bark like a little dog refusing to listen to good advice believing that I can do everything, anything the way I want to becaue I can always, and will always take care of ME. But sometimes, when I think I'm taking care of ME, I'm actually working against ME. She's very good helping me help myself. With one REAL bark, I feel much better, and I know what to do. Sometimes I need a real proper bark to stop my annoying and stubborn barking. Only very few people I know can really BARK at me loud enough to help me stop. She's one of them!

So, now I'm going to relax, stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop with everything, and fall asleep. My brain needs it. I need it. The world needs it.


Life might not be 100% at all times, but I'll take what I can when I have it.
-Hebs, 24/08/11


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