Take a Step Back and Breathe.
I don't even know where to start. I don't know if I have the energy to write this all down. So many problems. The doctors, making misstakes...STILL! My dad looked through my scans and noticed that I had a slightly enlarged liver and suspicions of other lesions in other parts of my body. The idea of shock is no longer in my conceptual framework anymore. I mean what do you say at this point? OH MY GOD? What the FUCK? No, you just take it in, take a step back, and breathe.
So many things need to be done before I start chemo. A part of me has all the energy in the world. The other part of me just wants to go to bed and hide. Do you know that I wake up every morning expecting everything to be a dream?! Then I take a step towards the bathroom and I'm reminded by the pain in my hip. I feel my skull and the bump is still there.
Every night I go to bed, and I dream about my disease. I dream about chemo, about radiation, about the emotional rollercoaster ride that doesn't seem to have an end. I dream about death, a lot. I know I know...this all sounds so dark and morbid. But it's not. I can imagine this is normal. Guess it's just the fear of what's to come.
I may be strong in every sense of the word. But I'm scared, in every sense of the word.
Right...back to work.
/H
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