Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Ever since I came back from Egypt, I've literally been cleaning my apartment inside out. I don't know what's come over me. Every few days...sometimes every few hours I'll just start getting rid of things, whether it be clothes, makeup, papers...anything I've just been accumulating I've gotten rid of. It feels good. It feels necessary. I mean I do this once in a while, but this time I went the extra mile. It feels like I need to get rid of a bunch of bad energy somehow. Clutter. Shit. I just want it out of my way. Out of sight out of mind.

I'm still up (obviously). I'm tired, exhausted, but I just can't bring myself to drag my body to bed. Somehow I think I'm avoiding it. The night saves me in a way, yet it's usually the worse time of day for me. I'm saved from the phone calls, the conversations, and the Dr appointments. It's the worse because as darkness comes, that's when my thoughts start to scream. They yell!! I feel my heart bounce. I calm myself down by keeping busy, listening to music to dampen the screams, to push the noise away, to prevent my eyes from tearing up.

So tonight, it's cleaning...again. I get obsessive. Everything has to shine. Everything has to be in a certain place. Everything has to look a certain way. I can rearrange something several times until I get it right. Perfection. Obsession. It never ends. Like my thoughts. They never end.

The time has come. It's time to sleep. To gain the energy to face another day. My day. My reality. My life.

Then I'm quite the character.
Anyway..enough with this emotional bullshit. Tomorrow I will be fit for fight!!!


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