SCHMUCKS!
I think I have a cold dammit!!! Can't breathe through my nose and the SNOT is infinite :p I'm hungry again but I just don't have the energy to eat. Can't taste food. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brain is fried. Information overload after my meeting with the Hematologist. I'm starting chemo next Wednesday. YAY! FINALLY!!! Who on earth gets excited about starting chemo? SCHMUCK!!!
We haven't gotten it confirmed. But the Dr. said it wouldn't be surprising if my muscles and instestines are inflammed. It's a part of the disease. Let's party shall we?
Conversation with the Dr.
Dr: Hebbah. Interesting name. Where do you come from?
Me: Egypt.
Dr: Are both your parents Egyptian?
Me: Yes.
Dr: How long have you lived here?
Me: oh about 22 years.
Dr: Well, do you feel Swedish?
Me: How does what I feel about my ethnicity have ANYTHING to do with my disease?
....AUWCKARD SILENCE!!!....GOOD!!!! SCHMUCK!!
WTF? My hip has disolved, but hey...let's talk about how I identify myself. Anyway...who cares!!
WTF? My hip has disolved, but hey...let's talk about how I identify myself. Anyway...who cares!!
I don't have the energy to write right now so here are some pics to entertain.
My wheelchair and me.
Twins. The resemblence is uncanny.
I'm bushed!!
YES!!! My room is VERY blue. I was a teenager OK??!! haha.
/H
I'm bushed!!
YES!!! My room is VERY blue. I was a teenager OK??!! haha.
/H
Migranes and Lethargy
Second migrane in a week. Had it all day. It wears me out, I'm so tired and I have no energy to do anything, not today anyway. It seems to be a common verse since I started this blog, "I'm exhausted," "I'm so tired," "I'm sleepy..."
Doesn't surprise me though. With everything that's going on.
There's so much more I want to say. I'll record a video later tonight to document more of my thoughts.
/H
The Fucking Ride Continues
I got a phone call today that just made me burst into tears at work. It was nothing about my health, just about how to get the financial benefits for all the cab rides I've taken to go back and forth to the hospital. The woman who called me from the hospital is a complete idiot. I actually had to tell her halfway through the conversation to call me back because I could feel the tears press towards my eyes fighting with all they have to come out. As soon as I hung up I burst out crying and ran into my colleagues office. She was just saying the most ridiculous things and I just couldn't take another battle. But I've cried it out..my bestest colleague and friend gave me a fantastic peptalk and now I'm fit for fight again. I'm going to pulverise her over the phone. Honestly, I don't care....don't fucking mess with me right now...I've had it up to HERE!!!! (If you saw me in person you'd get what I mean....my eyes are on fire from rage).
Unfortunately the journey towards recovery doesn't only concern my health, it's everything around it. It seems though that this is the biggest battle I have to fight, the health care system. But as GOD IS MY WITNESS...I'M NOT GOING TO LET THEM WIN.....BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Over and fucking OUT!!!!
/H
Unfortunately the journey towards recovery doesn't only concern my health, it's everything around it. It seems though that this is the biggest battle I have to fight, the health care system. But as GOD IS MY WITNESS...I'M NOT GOING TO LET THEM WIN.....BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Over and fucking OUT!!!!
/H
Headache
Bad headache today...little sleep, lot of work..the usual menu.
My colleagues got back from Croatia on Monday. It was a bit hard for me to look at them. So many of them were complaining and questioning why they had to go to Croatia and then came back all fabulously happy. It kind of annoyed me a bit. Here I was, over the moon that I was going to go to Croatia and work, and I was forbidden to go because of my stupid hip. Of course I'm happy for them, but YES, it BITES!!!!
A colleague put up some pictures of facebook from their trip. I looked at one picture and couldn't look anymore. I don't know what's with me? I just can't seem to look at any pictures, somehow they just all remind me of my disease.
Sometimes it clicks to me...in the midst of all my chaos, that I have a disease. It's weird. But maybe that's a good thing. I never want the disease to define who I am or what I am. It's only a part of my development, one stop on the road. I refuse to make it my entire life, and I refuse to let it cripple me into something I'm not and will never be. But it's hard to keep on that trail of thought, sometimes it feels like all I'm dealing with all day long is my disease (phone calls to doctors, researching, reading, pain).
My professor told me something motivating yesterday when I updated her about the situation since we last spoke. She said that the research has shown that people with a need for control, actually have a much better recovery than those who do not. So if that means being a difficult patient, then fine, I'll be a difficult patient. Don't let the disease control me, I control my disease....
YOU HEAR ME LCH...you will NEVER control me...BITCH!!! haha
My colleagues got back from Croatia on Monday. It was a bit hard for me to look at them. So many of them were complaining and questioning why they had to go to Croatia and then came back all fabulously happy. It kind of annoyed me a bit. Here I was, over the moon that I was going to go to Croatia and work, and I was forbidden to go because of my stupid hip. Of course I'm happy for them, but YES, it BITES!!!!
A colleague put up some pictures of facebook from their trip. I looked at one picture and couldn't look anymore. I don't know what's with me? I just can't seem to look at any pictures, somehow they just all remind me of my disease.
Sometimes it clicks to me...in the midst of all my chaos, that I have a disease. It's weird. But maybe that's a good thing. I never want the disease to define who I am or what I am. It's only a part of my development, one stop on the road. I refuse to make it my entire life, and I refuse to let it cripple me into something I'm not and will never be. But it's hard to keep on that trail of thought, sometimes it feels like all I'm dealing with all day long is my disease (phone calls to doctors, researching, reading, pain).
My professor told me something motivating yesterday when I updated her about the situation since we last spoke. She said that the research has shown that people with a need for control, actually have a much better recovery than those who do not. So if that means being a difficult patient, then fine, I'll be a difficult patient. Don't let the disease control me, I control my disease....
YOU HEAR ME LCH...you will NEVER control me...BITCH!!! haha
By the way...
...if anyone has any questions, it's OK...ASK!!!! I'm MORE than happy to answer. I'm not going to break down. SO ASK AWAY!!! Actually, I'd rather you ask than look it up online, some of the photo's of the most severe cases are quite horrid and it might scare you off. So please, ask me, not google. Trust me, I know a LOT about it now ;)
Tootles,
/H
Tootles,
/H
