myhistiostory

Man oh man have I had the hardest time falling asleep lately. I was up until 5.30 last night. Just couldn't sleep. I guess I have a lot of thoughts circulating in addition to being too alert. I kind of feel weird these days, like I'm in shock somehow. I go around thinking about my situation more than usual, maybe I haven't been busy enough, or maybe it's hitting me again. I don't think these things just hit you once and that's it. I think that you have to come to terms with it over and over again until you are over it...if that's even possible. 

Sometimes it feels unreal, sometimes it feels too real, and sometimes it just feels. It's a complex feeling, too many feelings at once, or none at all. 

Maybe it's the thought that I have chemo for an undefinite time that has worried me a bit. I basically don't have an end date yet. What does that even mean? I don't have an end-date?! It makes it hard to plan for the future. But maybe that's a good thing, living in the now, coming to terms with my thoughts now rather than later. Maybe a learning process of thinking in terms of what is "happening" instead of what "will happen." 

OK..now I'm starting to get why I haven't fallen asleep lately. Waaaaay too many thoughts haha.