Dear 2011,
you were one of the longest years of my life, or so it felt anyway. I thought I knew what awaited me but apparently I was wrong. I was suppose to take my drivings license, publish papers, go to more conferences, exercize more, go to Nattis wedding, go to Kroatia, but I didn't. Instead you brought me heartache, broken friendships, exhaustion, countless tears, and finally, the one that caused this all, Langerhans cell histiocytosis.
Looking back it's been without a shadow of a doubt one of the toughest years of my life. I thought I had it tough before, batteling batteling an eating disorder for years on end, batteling my parents who I didn't feel understood me or believed in me, batteling teachers who didn't believe in me (who infact urged me to quit several times over), and dealing with a lot if insecurities along the way.
I realized however that all the battles in the past made me battle you, too. Everyday, no matter how much I was told to give up by doctors, no matter how many nights I spend crying myself to sleep, no matter how much stuff I had to deal with people around me, with family, with work, with colleagues, with everything, I refused to give up. Why? Because that's just not who I am. You gave me the toughest battle I could imagine, batteling for my health. You made me realize that my health and my LIFE should not be taken for granted. Instead, I decided to turn this battle into a learning experience, just like I did with everything else in my life. I learnt more about myself than I ever thought I could at this point. I gained more strength than I ever thought I had. I learnt the value of my life, my health, and everything else that I take (and most people) take for granted.
When we say don't take family, friends, and your health for granted, do we really believe it? Do we really change our ways? Do we really change our lives? Do we really do ANYTHING that lasts long enough to fulfill the meaning of not taking anyone or anything for granted? And how long do people's new years resolutions last? A day? A week? A month? Why is it so easy for people to forget this particular feeling? What do you REALLY have to go through to NOT take something or someone for granted? How many life lessons does it take? Because let's face it, how much and how many things and people don't we take for granted? Do we really have to go through a life crisis to really learn this lesson? Well, all I can say is that 2011, you taught me just that. Nothing and noone is for granted. I thought I was grateful before, but my worldview, my life, my everything has changed. I guess I just had to lose a couple of things and people on the way to realize that.
One thing that I have also learned however is to not let people take ME for granted. I'm not for granted and I think that I give off a good impression that I am. I'm there when people REALLY need me. I do things for people because I want to help. I've come to realize however that when the tables turn, the rules change. Maybe it's the situation I'm in, maybe I have taken for granted that friendships and family relationships are reciprocal. Maybe they're not, I don't know. I don't know if it matters anymore because I'm so use to just taking care of myself (and most people around me for that matter haha.)
So life lesson to anyone reading, stop! STOP taking everyone and everything for granted. They could disappear in a minute, and honestly so can you. Unfortunately 90% of people reading this will try to live by these words for a week, or maybe even two, then it will slowly fade out. 5% of you will follow this for a bit longer, and then it will fade out. The remaining 5% won't even take this into consideration or on the other side of the pole, already live by these words.
So, 2011, I'm not sad to see you go because you did hurt me a lot, but I will still gracefully thank you for everything that you've taught me, all the strength that you gave me, all the things you taught me, and all the fights that I faught and won. Even though you were a bitch of a year, you are still the most important year of my life, and you always will be. Thank you and goodbye. I'm ready for 2012 and all he has to give me.
Wishing you all a loving, healthy, and caring 2012.
All my love, H xxx
Looking back it's been without a shadow of a doubt one of the toughest years of my life. I thought I had it tough before, batteling batteling an eating disorder for years on end, batteling my parents who I didn't feel understood me or believed in me, batteling teachers who didn't believe in me (who infact urged me to quit several times over), and dealing with a lot if insecurities along the way.
I realized however that all the battles in the past made me battle you, too. Everyday, no matter how much I was told to give up by doctors, no matter how many nights I spend crying myself to sleep, no matter how much stuff I had to deal with people around me, with family, with work, with colleagues, with everything, I refused to give up. Why? Because that's just not who I am. You gave me the toughest battle I could imagine, batteling for my health. You made me realize that my health and my LIFE should not be taken for granted. Instead, I decided to turn this battle into a learning experience, just like I did with everything else in my life. I learnt more about myself than I ever thought I could at this point. I gained more strength than I ever thought I had. I learnt the value of my life, my health, and everything else that I take (and most people) take for granted.
When we say don't take family, friends, and your health for granted, do we really believe it? Do we really change our ways? Do we really change our lives? Do we really do ANYTHING that lasts long enough to fulfill the meaning of not taking anyone or anything for granted? And how long do people's new years resolutions last? A day? A week? A month? Why is it so easy for people to forget this particular feeling? What do you REALLY have to go through to NOT take something or someone for granted? How many life lessons does it take? Because let's face it, how much and how many things and people don't we take for granted? Do we really have to go through a life crisis to really learn this lesson? Well, all I can say is that 2011, you taught me just that. Nothing and noone is for granted. I thought I was grateful before, but my worldview, my life, my everything has changed. I guess I just had to lose a couple of things and people on the way to realize that.
One thing that I have also learned however is to not let people take ME for granted. I'm not for granted and I think that I give off a good impression that I am. I'm there when people REALLY need me. I do things for people because I want to help. I've come to realize however that when the tables turn, the rules change. Maybe it's the situation I'm in, maybe I have taken for granted that friendships and family relationships are reciprocal. Maybe they're not, I don't know. I don't know if it matters anymore because I'm so use to just taking care of myself (and most people around me for that matter haha.)
So life lesson to anyone reading, stop! STOP taking everyone and everything for granted. They could disappear in a minute, and honestly so can you. Unfortunately 90% of people reading this will try to live by these words for a week, or maybe even two, then it will slowly fade out. 5% of you will follow this for a bit longer, and then it will fade out. The remaining 5% won't even take this into consideration or on the other side of the pole, already live by these words.
So, 2011, I'm not sad to see you go because you did hurt me a lot, but I will still gracefully thank you for everything that you've taught me, all the strength that you gave me, all the things you taught me, and all the fights that I faught and won. Even though you were a bitch of a year, you are still the most important year of my life, and you always will be. Thank you and goodbye. I'm ready for 2012 and all he has to give me.
Wishing you all a loving, healthy, and caring 2012.
All my love, H xxx
RIP Hazel-Ann
Today I found out that a friend of mine from university died on the 26th of December. She was two years younger than me. Bubbly, sweet, strong, funny, and ambitious. I'm in shock and I don't really know what to say, except to anyone who is reading this, please don't take life for granted. Don't take your friends and family for granted. Nothing in life is for granted. NOTHING!
Rest in peace my friend. I hope you're in a better place. You won't be forgotten and you're smile will always be in our hearts <3 <3 <3
Thursday
It's felt like the longest day ever, yet it still hasn't come to an end. After not getting any sleep I was at the hospital at 8 to get some blood tests, then I had a Dr's appointment at 10 and then an appointment with my therapist at 13.00.
The doctors appointment went well, despite my scepticism she was actually really nice. She admitted however that she has never encountered anyone with my disease, it's funny to hear that with most doctors except my original one haha. So everything seemed to be going fine for now, even though my values aren't ideal it wasn't anything that was too concerning at the moment which is great news for me (hey, I'll take what I can get!) She's also ordered a scan so we'll see how my hip is doing so far :)
Then I had some therapy and as usual the tears were flowing like Niagra Falls. Despite popular belief I'm going through a lot of stuff, emotionally, physically, left right, up down. There are a lot of things I have to cope and deal with and I'm glad I'm getting some professional help on the way. It's also nice to see her every other week to just vent and spue all my thoughts.
After that I met up with a couple of friends in a mall close by. I haven't left the house in weeks (bar going to the swimming hall) and I needed to get out and be social for a while.
It's been a loooooong day to say the least. I think I might pass out early today which is good considering the lack of sleep last night ;(
Tomorrow, I do chemo!
Good Night xxx
The doctors appointment went well, despite my scepticism she was actually really nice. She admitted however that she has never encountered anyone with my disease, it's funny to hear that with most doctors except my original one haha. So everything seemed to be going fine for now, even though my values aren't ideal it wasn't anything that was too concerning at the moment which is great news for me (hey, I'll take what I can get!) She's also ordered a scan so we'll see how my hip is doing so far :)
Then I had some therapy and as usual the tears were flowing like Niagra Falls. Despite popular belief I'm going through a lot of stuff, emotionally, physically, left right, up down. There are a lot of things I have to cope and deal with and I'm glad I'm getting some professional help on the way. It's also nice to see her every other week to just vent and spue all my thoughts.
After that I met up with a couple of friends in a mall close by. I haven't left the house in weeks (bar going to the swimming hall) and I needed to get out and be social for a while.
It's been a loooooong day to say the least. I think I might pass out early today which is good considering the lack of sleep last night ;(
Tomorrow, I do chemo!
Good Night xxx
Just woke up from the dead...
yeah yeah it might not funny considering the circumstances but to be completely honest, that's how I feel. I can't help it, once I feel that wave of lethargia fall over me there's no stoping me from falling asleep. I got up about 2 hours ago and I had a bit to eat and paid my bills.
So what did I do today? Well, I felt enough was enough. Our dog needed a shower and a pedicure. Easier said than done. First I thought that it would be too cold to shower him outside. So after multiple failed attempts of dragging him to the bath, I said fuck it...it's either shower him outside or have him stink up the house. So, I dragged him out (well, I lured him out with a pig ear haha) and tied him to the fence. I thought he was going to make the biggest fuss ever but he immediately went in submissive mode and went with the flow. In fact, he even liked it, lifting his legs and paws to let me wash him thoroughly. Of course, I ended up having quite the shower with him. By the time I was done, my sister and one of my nieces had come back and she was hypnotized by the sight of Hutch (the dog) and how wet he looked from the shower (it was quite funny.) Anyway, I dried the poor thing and brought him in. Then started the biggest mission, cutting his nails. Man oh man, that took longer than the actual showering. It's not that he was being fiesty it's that he thought I was playing with him so he kept on jumping and playing and whatnot. Anyway, said and done. Hutch is now a clean and well groomed dog.
By the end of the ordeal my back was KILLING me. I couldn't stand any longer. So I basically had a shower, had a bite to eat and passed out (hence the feeling of waking up from the dead.) Normal Hebs would have done a billion other things after that but Hebs on chemo...shit in hell. I do one thing and I'm OUT!!
So tomorrow I have a doctors appointment. It's not with my regular doctor so I'm a bit apprehensive about it. After my year with hellish doctors I usually get a bit defensive and sceptical towards new doctors. But my original doctor is amazing but he's on vacation ;(
Anyway, will try to update again tomorrow, it's going to be a long day so I think I need to try to get to bed early.
Night night/H
So what did I do today? Well, I felt enough was enough. Our dog needed a shower and a pedicure. Easier said than done. First I thought that it would be too cold to shower him outside. So after multiple failed attempts of dragging him to the bath, I said fuck it...it's either shower him outside or have him stink up the house. So, I dragged him out (well, I lured him out with a pig ear haha) and tied him to the fence. I thought he was going to make the biggest fuss ever but he immediately went in submissive mode and went with the flow. In fact, he even liked it, lifting his legs and paws to let me wash him thoroughly. Of course, I ended up having quite the shower with him. By the time I was done, my sister and one of my nieces had come back and she was hypnotized by the sight of Hutch (the dog) and how wet he looked from the shower (it was quite funny.) Anyway, I dried the poor thing and brought him in. Then started the biggest mission, cutting his nails. Man oh man, that took longer than the actual showering. It's not that he was being fiesty it's that he thought I was playing with him so he kept on jumping and playing and whatnot. Anyway, said and done. Hutch is now a clean and well groomed dog.
By the end of the ordeal my back was KILLING me. I couldn't stand any longer. So I basically had a shower, had a bite to eat and passed out (hence the feeling of waking up from the dead.) Normal Hebs would have done a billion other things after that but Hebs on chemo...shit in hell. I do one thing and I'm OUT!!
So tomorrow I have a doctors appointment. It's not with my regular doctor so I'm a bit apprehensive about it. After my year with hellish doctors I usually get a bit defensive and sceptical towards new doctors. But my original doctor is amazing but he's on vacation ;(
Anyway, will try to update again tomorrow, it's going to be a long day so I think I need to try to get to bed early.
Night night/H
Where Have I Been?
So it's been a LONG while to say the least. I completely disappeared for many reasons. So much has happened since my last blog update and where I am right now. I don't really know where to begin but I'll try to make a brief summary of what has happened over the past couple of months.
October
I had just had my 6th chemo session and two days later it was my birthday. So I asked a couple of friends to go out for dinner. I didn't want it to be so formal, rather just a nice group of people enjoying some good (really good Indian food) and to celebrate everything and anything. I had the best night in a long time and some of my closest friends (both old and new) were there.
Everything since just went a bit crazy. I was finding it hard to communicate with my parents despite having tried several strategies. On top of that, I didn't feel like I was getting the support I needed from them. It was hard to say the least. It really brought me down. So far I'd been spending most of my days alone and I didn't see anything changing on their behalf. It was quite painful and lonely and I had a lot of time to think. I won't go into too much detail because this is after all, a summary :)
November
By now I was still feeling under the weather. I was getting weaker and weaker and my energy levels were dropping completely. At this point of my chemo schedule, I was suppose to go down to once every third week. But when we did a check up after the 3 week interval, the doctors noticed that my hip wasn't showing any signs of healing and my CRP had gone up again (it had decreased for a while.) I wasn't responding to treatment. The only good thing about this was that at least my hip wasn't getting any worse. But because of this we had to increase chemo again to every week for another three weeks with double the dose than originally planned. Above ALL of that however, the cortisone was killing me. I was taking 50mg a day (highest dosage you can take in a day) and I was feeling every side effect possible. I was distraught. My face was so swollen it had looked like I'd had an overdose of botox, or like someone just pumped air into my face. In fact, my entire body was swelling up and I felt more and more uncomfortable for everyday that went by. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't fit into my clothes, I couldn't sleep, and I was in a lot of pain, everywhere. By now I had also been in emergency twice for several reasons and the problem with my family wasn't getting any better. Lonliness and heartache was all that I felt most days, but I tried to keep strong...with everything I had.
December
Chemo was now back to every week and the effects were really getting to me. I started losing a bit of hair (nothing dramatic, but definitly something I noticed.) Things started to get a bit better with my mom at least when I felt that I had finally gotten through to her about how I felt. It was a great relief and I thought that it would give me more energy, but the chemo had really done it's job this time, I was feeling week, disoriented, and lethargic (more so than before.) The good thing from all of this is that I started to go swimming (with the OK from my doctor of course ;) The first time I went swimming I almost cried. That feeling of moving my entire body for the first time in months is priceless. Since I started I've been going a couple days a week which has really helped my mental well-being. It's amazing how much we take our bodies for granted, and I think that only when you have been deprived of your body somehow that you will really appreciate what you have or what you lost.
Christmas
My sister came with the kids from Egypt to spend some time with the family. It's really nice having the kids around and it's definitely cheered me up a lot. I love hanging out with them and they're a great distraction from everything that's going on ;)
So, that's the sum up for now, like I said, a lot more has happened but I will update soon again to go more into detail about certain things that I've been thinking about.
P.S. Chemo has now been changed to Fridays instead and my next chemo session is after tommorrow. Will definitly update before then :)
/H
October
I had just had my 6th chemo session and two days later it was my birthday. So I asked a couple of friends to go out for dinner. I didn't want it to be so formal, rather just a nice group of people enjoying some good (really good Indian food) and to celebrate everything and anything. I had the best night in a long time and some of my closest friends (both old and new) were there.
Everything since just went a bit crazy. I was finding it hard to communicate with my parents despite having tried several strategies. On top of that, I didn't feel like I was getting the support I needed from them. It was hard to say the least. It really brought me down. So far I'd been spending most of my days alone and I didn't see anything changing on their behalf. It was quite painful and lonely and I had a lot of time to think. I won't go into too much detail because this is after all, a summary :)
November
By now I was still feeling under the weather. I was getting weaker and weaker and my energy levels were dropping completely. At this point of my chemo schedule, I was suppose to go down to once every third week. But when we did a check up after the 3 week interval, the doctors noticed that my hip wasn't showing any signs of healing and my CRP had gone up again (it had decreased for a while.) I wasn't responding to treatment. The only good thing about this was that at least my hip wasn't getting any worse. But because of this we had to increase chemo again to every week for another three weeks with double the dose than originally planned. Above ALL of that however, the cortisone was killing me. I was taking 50mg a day (highest dosage you can take in a day) and I was feeling every side effect possible. I was distraught. My face was so swollen it had looked like I'd had an overdose of botox, or like someone just pumped air into my face. In fact, my entire body was swelling up and I felt more and more uncomfortable for everyday that went by. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't fit into my clothes, I couldn't sleep, and I was in a lot of pain, everywhere. By now I had also been in emergency twice for several reasons and the problem with my family wasn't getting any better. Lonliness and heartache was all that I felt most days, but I tried to keep strong...with everything I had.
December
Chemo was now back to every week and the effects were really getting to me. I started losing a bit of hair (nothing dramatic, but definitly something I noticed.) Things started to get a bit better with my mom at least when I felt that I had finally gotten through to her about how I felt. It was a great relief and I thought that it would give me more energy, but the chemo had really done it's job this time, I was feeling week, disoriented, and lethargic (more so than before.) The good thing from all of this is that I started to go swimming (with the OK from my doctor of course ;) The first time I went swimming I almost cried. That feeling of moving my entire body for the first time in months is priceless. Since I started I've been going a couple days a week which has really helped my mental well-being. It's amazing how much we take our bodies for granted, and I think that only when you have been deprived of your body somehow that you will really appreciate what you have or what you lost.
Christmas
My sister came with the kids from Egypt to spend some time with the family. It's really nice having the kids around and it's definitely cheered me up a lot. I love hanging out with them and they're a great distraction from everything that's going on ;)
So, that's the sum up for now, like I said, a lot more has happened but I will update soon again to go more into detail about certain things that I've been thinking about.
P.S. Chemo has now been changed to Fridays instead and my next chemo session is after tommorrow. Will definitly update before then :)
/H
